FUNNIES

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THE LEGACY OF FRANK FELDMAN

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: Frank Feldman . . . he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star.  And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me — I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well . . . I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife.”

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FUNERAL FOR A HOMELESS MAN
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers’ cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I was still lost!

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BUBBA FROM OKLAHOMA NEEDED A LOAN

His name was Bubba, he was from Oklahoma … And he needed a loan.

So… He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from Oklahoma for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Oklahoma State University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the western part of Oklahoma, not to mention several oil and gas wells.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

His name was BUBBA… .

Keep an eye on these Oklahoma boys!

Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid.

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DON’T YOU JUST LOVE

THE WAY GOOD OLD

DOGS THINK?

 

 

 

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HEARING OKAY?
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’

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NINETY SEVEN YEARS YOUNG

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.

“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

‘You won’t need this anymore,’ so I thanked him and left!”

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“GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.” 

On July 20, 1969, As Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neal Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.  His first words after stepping on the Moon, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But, just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the – ‘Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 27-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.  Here is the answer to ‘who was Mr. Gorsky.”

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.  His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by their bedroom windows.  His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!” It broke the place up!

Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed this is a true story.

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THE GAY COWBOY

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.   For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was toldand dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY AT WAL-MART !

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Barkley, the Schnauzer Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to hike one leg up and pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends…it will be their laugh for the day!

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AN OLDER COUPLE LIVING THE DREAM

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’

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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
His new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
Get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
Jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.He promptly called the Local police station and
the conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann ‘s
Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
Be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
Foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
Replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
Care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment…….

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye,’tis certainly true; but we are also
Obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

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A rich young blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck) she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it, so he turns to the blonde and ask; “Ma’am are you sure you are using the right gears?”
Full of anger the blonde replies: “You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I’m not stupid you know!” “Of course i am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.”……………..

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There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!